Back to the plan

This morning was the first time in two weeks that I did my morning exercise.  It felt so good to get back to it, though I still need to do the weight lifting.  I just need to squeeze in as much physical activity every day as I possibly can.

And I need to see everything as something I am choosing to do, rather than something that is imposed on me.  I am choosing to eat a certain way--I am not being denied the way I want to eat.  I am choosing to be as physically active as possible, even if it does not lead to weight loss right now.

Most of all, I am so discouraged that I am the exact.  Same. Weight.  As I have been since a week after Anna was born, which is either 201 (at dr. offices) or 197 (on our scale at home in the morning).  So if I ate whatever I wanted, I would stay right there?  Or if I live a life of deprivation, I would stay right there?  Why would any sane person go through any trouble, if it will have no effect?

But that is where the pictures come in.  I do NOT want to look like that.  How horrifying.  How completely disgusting.  Then there is the factor of my fertility.  What if I were to get pregnant again, and start at 200 pounds, God forbid?  Or what if my weight were to prevent me from getting pregnant again, God forbid?  This situation is unacceptable.

I just wish so much I could fast forward to the day that my measurements improved, and my weight dropped, even 5 pounds.  Then I could believe it was possible.  Then I could have hope.

Right now, I don't have any hope at all.