A goal in mind: 19th wedding anniversary

I have never weighed as much as I do right now in my entire life, pregnant or not. I have fallen into despair. I can barely wear regular clothes. I look misshapen, and I can't hide anything. But I had an idea in the shower this morning. Next summer is my 19th wedding anniversary. I want to be able to fit into my wedding dress next summer. I want to look good for that anniversary. Even if I get pregnant when Sebastian is one year old, I will not be that pregnant then. And if I lose a pound or two a week every week, I would be back to a decent weight when I got pregnant again, rather than horribly obese. This is what I have been lacking: motivation. Specific, real motivation. And I need to make every day count, because I do not have endless time. I can't solve the whole problem at once, but I can make every day count. I don't have my complete stats right now--I need to find a measuring tape. But I will put them down, and take a before picture. I will take my measurements every week, and a new picture every month. I will wake up and put on workout clothes every day, and not take them off until I have at least stepped on the elliptical. I will do as much as I can every chance I get. I have done this before, and I can do this again. My last best motivation was when Babu was in Iraq, and I lost 40 some pounds in 7 months. I want to lose 60 pounds in 1 year. If I can lose the last 10 pounds after that, fine, but my goal is 150, June 22, 2015.

Back to the plan

This morning was the first time in two weeks that I did my morning exercise.  It felt so good to get back to it, though I still need to do the weight lifting.  I just need to squeeze in as much physical activity every day as I possibly can.

And I need to see everything as something I am choosing to do, rather than something that is imposed on me.  I am choosing to eat a certain way--I am not being denied the way I want to eat.  I am choosing to be as physically active as possible, even if it does not lead to weight loss right now.

Most of all, I am so discouraged that I am the exact.  Same. Weight.  As I have been since a week after Anna was born, which is either 201 (at dr. offices) or 197 (on our scale at home in the morning).  So if I ate whatever I wanted, I would stay right there?  Or if I live a life of deprivation, I would stay right there?  Why would any sane person go through any trouble, if it will have no effect?

But that is where the pictures come in.  I do NOT want to look like that.  How horrifying.  How completely disgusting.  Then there is the factor of my fertility.  What if I were to get pregnant again, and start at 200 pounds, God forbid?  Or what if my weight were to prevent me from getting pregnant again, God forbid?  This situation is unacceptable.

I just wish so much I could fast forward to the day that my measurements improved, and my weight dropped, even 5 pounds.  Then I could believe it was possible.  Then I could have hope.

Right now, I don't have any hope at all.

The worst pictures

Iraq

early february: 49 hips, 38 waist, 29 thigh
april 25: 45 hips, 34 waist, 28 thigh
may 16: 43 hips, 32 waist, 26 thigh
june 7: 40 hips, 31 waist, 25 thigh
july 24: 37 hips, 30 waist, 25 thigh


these are my measurements from when Babu was in Iraq.


and i just found Mary's babybook.  i was 140 when i got pregnant, 172 when she was born.  i started this pregnancy at 176, and i'm still 197 at 2 months PP.


i need to lose between 50-60 pounds, about 10 inches off my hips, 8 inches off my waist.  i am on the edge of truly obese.  i am about to not fit into regular sizes.  i need a sense of urgency.


i need to focus on what i am choosing, not on what i am denying.

One step forward, two steps way way back

Before we left for NY, I started using MyFitnessPal and exercising, and when we were there, I was good at first, but then fell back into bad patterns, and I haven't yet gotten back into the saddle.  I am so disappointed in myself, there are no words.  I am going to look so awful in our family pictures at the beach.

I am too depressed to get on the scale, but I took a couple of measurements this morning, and I am still the same huge creature I have been since Anna was born, which is not surprising, since I have not been eating properly or exercising:

45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh

Here we go again

There is much to say in this first post.

Rereading my posts from Joseph was frightening.  I can't believe I am in the exact same situation again, almost down to the pound.  I just hope I can avoid the same trajectory as before, because if I do not lose weight this time, I will really be in despair.

Shortly after Anna was born, I was 193, after getting up to about 201 at the end of the pregnancy.  The engorgement added a lot of water weight:

5/12/12
197.8
37 chest
46 hips
35 waist
27 thigh
13 arm

When she was two weeks old, things looked better:

5/18/12
192.8
36 chest
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh
12.5 arm

But I got overconfident.  As I always do, I started gaining weight again, even though I was being careful about what I ate:

5/25/12
194
36 chest
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh
12.5 arm

I hovered right around that weight for a bit:

6/1/12
193

But then, at my 6 week postpartum, I was up, bigtime:
198 at Tepeyac

And a week later, at the endocrinologist, I was up again:
201 at Rogacz

Unbelievable.

A couple days ago, I did not weight myself, but I took my measurements, and they were not pretty:

6/23/12
36 chest
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh

In other words, they are the same as they have been.

I cannot live like this.  I do not want to look like this.  I cannot even fit into my postpartum wardrobe.  I want to be strong and healthy so I can have more children.  I want to be beautiful for my dear husband, who is in the best shape of his life.  I know what I need to do, and I know how to do it.  I just need to DO IT.

This morning, I did about half and hour on the elliptical, an easy program, and I felt great.  I have eaten healthily all day.  I can only control what I can control.  I will continue to build up my exercise program.  I will continue to eat well.  I will not give up.  Even if this takes forever, even if progress is slow or nonexistent for a time, I will keep going.  I owe it to myself, to any future babies, to my husband.

Next post, I will put down my measurements from when Babu was deployed.  I started off even worse than I am now, and I managed to lose the weight without Metformin.  I know I am older now, but I am also wiser and more mature.  I can do what needs to be done.

An escape?

It's been a week and a half since I last worked out--a week and a half of very bad eating habits. I may or may not get to exercise today, because I need to go to the commissary and do the Thanksgiving shopping first thing this morning, and I was petrified of what the scale might say to punish me. But I think I am OK, as long as I get back on track today:

186.4

41 hips

31 waist

25 thigh

Of course, my nine months pregnant, two inches taller sister weighs 180, so this is nothing to be happy about, but at the same time, at least I am wearing semi-normal-sized clothes. But I need to get back to my normal routine ASAP.