This morning was the first time in two weeks that I did my morning exercise. It felt so good to get back to it, though I still need to do the weight lifting. I just need to squeeze in as much physical activity every day as I possibly can.
And I need to see everything as something I am choosing to do, rather than something that is imposed on me. I am choosing to eat a certain way--I am not being denied the way I want to eat. I am choosing to be as physically active as possible, even if it does not lead to weight loss right now.
Most of all, I am so discouraged that I am the exact. Same. Weight. As I have been since a week after Anna was born, which is either 201 (at dr. offices) or 197 (on our scale at home in the morning). So if I ate whatever I wanted, I would stay right there? Or if I live a life of deprivation, I would stay right there? Why would any sane person go through any trouble, if it will have no effect?
But that is where the pictures come in. I do NOT want to look like that. How horrifying. How completely disgusting. Then there is the factor of my fertility. What if I were to get pregnant again, and start at 200 pounds, God forbid? Or what if my weight were to prevent me from getting pregnant again, God forbid? This situation is unacceptable.
I just wish so much I could fast forward to the day that my measurements improved, and my weight dropped, even 5 pounds. Then I could believe it was possible. Then I could have hope.
Right now, I don't have any hope at all.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Iraq
early february: 49 hips, 38 waist, 29 thigh
april 25: 45 hips, 34 waist, 28 thigh
may 16: 43 hips, 32 waist, 26 thigh
june 7: 40 hips, 31 waist, 25 thigh
july 24: 37 hips, 30 waist, 25 thigh
these are my measurements from when Babu was in Iraq.
and i just found Mary's babybook. i was 140 when i got pregnant, 172 when she was born. i started this pregnancy at 176, and i'm still 197 at 2 months PP.
i need to lose between 50-60 pounds, about 10 inches off my hips, 8 inches off my waist. i am on the edge of truly obese. i am about to not fit into regular sizes. i need a sense of urgency.
i need to focus on what i am choosing, not on what i am denying.
april 25: 45 hips, 34 waist, 28 thigh
may 16: 43 hips, 32 waist, 26 thigh
june 7: 40 hips, 31 waist, 25 thigh
july 24: 37 hips, 30 waist, 25 thigh
these are my measurements from when Babu was in Iraq.
and i just found Mary's babybook. i was 140 when i got pregnant, 172 when she was born. i started this pregnancy at 176, and i'm still 197 at 2 months PP.
i need to lose between 50-60 pounds, about 10 inches off my hips, 8 inches off my waist. i am on the edge of truly obese. i am about to not fit into regular sizes. i need a sense of urgency.
i need to focus on what i am choosing, not on what i am denying.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
One step forward, two steps way way back
Before we left for NY, I started using MyFitnessPal and exercising, and when we were there, I was good at first, but then fell back into bad patterns, and I haven't yet gotten back into the saddle. I am so disappointed in myself, there are no words. I am going to look so awful in our family pictures at the beach.
I am too depressed to get on the scale, but I took a couple of measurements this morning, and I am still the same huge creature I have been since Anna was born, which is not surprising, since I have not been eating properly or exercising:
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh
I am too depressed to get on the scale, but I took a couple of measurements this morning, and I am still the same huge creature I have been since Anna was born, which is not surprising, since I have not been eating properly or exercising:
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Here we go again
There is much to say in this first post.
Rereading my posts from Joseph was frightening. I can't believe I am in the exact same situation again, almost down to the pound. I just hope I can avoid the same trajectory as before, because if I do not lose weight this time, I will really be in despair.
Shortly after Anna was born, I was 193, after getting up to about 201 at the end of the pregnancy. The engorgement added a lot of water weight:
5/12/12
197.8
37 chest
46 hips
35 waist
27 thigh
13 arm
When she was two weeks old, things looked better:
5/18/12
192.8
36 chest
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh
12.5 arm
But I got overconfident. As I always do, I started gaining weight again, even though I was being careful about what I ate:
5/25/12
194
36 chest
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh
12.5 arm
I hovered right around that weight for a bit:
6/1/12
193
But then, at my 6 week postpartum, I was up, bigtime:
198 at Tepeyac
And a week later, at the endocrinologist, I was up again:
201 at Rogacz
Unbelievable.
A couple days ago, I did not weight myself, but I took my measurements, and they were not pretty:
6/23/12
36 chest
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh
In other words, they are the same as they have been.
I cannot live like this. I do not want to look like this. I cannot even fit into my postpartum wardrobe. I want to be strong and healthy so I can have more children. I want to be beautiful for my dear husband, who is in the best shape of his life. I know what I need to do, and I know how to do it. I just need to DO IT.
This morning, I did about half and hour on the elliptical, an easy program, and I felt great. I have eaten healthily all day. I can only control what I can control. I will continue to build up my exercise program. I will continue to eat well. I will not give up. Even if this takes forever, even if progress is slow or nonexistent for a time, I will keep going. I owe it to myself, to any future babies, to my husband.
Next post, I will put down my measurements from when Babu was deployed. I started off even worse than I am now, and I managed to lose the weight without Metformin. I know I am older now, but I am also wiser and more mature. I can do what needs to be done.
Rereading my posts from Joseph was frightening. I can't believe I am in the exact same situation again, almost down to the pound. I just hope I can avoid the same trajectory as before, because if I do not lose weight this time, I will really be in despair.
Shortly after Anna was born, I was 193, after getting up to about 201 at the end of the pregnancy. The engorgement added a lot of water weight:
5/12/12
197.8
37 chest
46 hips
35 waist
27 thigh
13 arm
When she was two weeks old, things looked better:
5/18/12
192.8
36 chest
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh
12.5 arm
But I got overconfident. As I always do, I started gaining weight again, even though I was being careful about what I ate:
5/25/12
194
36 chest
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh
12.5 arm
I hovered right around that weight for a bit:
6/1/12
193
But then, at my 6 week postpartum, I was up, bigtime:
198 at Tepeyac
And a week later, at the endocrinologist, I was up again:
201 at Rogacz
Unbelievable.
A couple days ago, I did not weight myself, but I took my measurements, and they were not pretty:
6/23/12
36 chest
45 hips
34 waist
27 thigh
In other words, they are the same as they have been.
I cannot live like this. I do not want to look like this. I cannot even fit into my postpartum wardrobe. I want to be strong and healthy so I can have more children. I want to be beautiful for my dear husband, who is in the best shape of his life. I know what I need to do, and I know how to do it. I just need to DO IT.
This morning, I did about half and hour on the elliptical, an easy program, and I felt great. I have eaten healthily all day. I can only control what I can control. I will continue to build up my exercise program. I will continue to eat well. I will not give up. Even if this takes forever, even if progress is slow or nonexistent for a time, I will keep going. I owe it to myself, to any future babies, to my husband.
Next post, I will put down my measurements from when Babu was deployed. I started off even worse than I am now, and I managed to lose the weight without Metformin. I know I am older now, but I am also wiser and more mature. I can do what needs to be done.
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